Dec 7, 2016

Be Happy, Your Free to Be You

Today through me for a loop.  See a picture of my ex husband and another picture of a dog. I called my son and asked if the girlfriend had a dog, he responded with "yes, I didn't want to tell you."  My initial reaction was hurt and jealousy.  Not really the right things to be doing. Why was I bothered?
1.  Not allowed to talk about work or about any of the teachers.  2.  Will not go on a cruise because it's a waste of money.  3.  No reason to travel to England or France there just like the US.  4.  No dogs allowed for me or the children, not even a little thing.  So since the separation, he has a girlfriend that is a teacher. I am sure she is allowed to talk about work. They went on a cruise together in April 2014 for over a week.  He went to England and France with his girlfriend in 2014.  And now a dog.  It was hers but since he has been living with her, first in the condo and now in the house, they have a dog.

I felt bad that the boys and I lived without because of him.  I began feeling guilty that I should have left sooner, fought him, felt sorry for me and us.  When I got home I tried to talk with Chris but he was avoiding me.  So, I let him be.  He later came down to talk to me about why he didn't tell me -  basically realizing that his father is a hypocrite which he says he realized a long time ago. But then he showed his emotions - as the tears began to roll saying that is was hard just to see a picture of his father and girlfriend so happy like he has never seen him before, then yelling "do you want me to tell you they are a happy loving family?"  He ran up the stairs in tears.  I gave him a few minutes then went up to see him.  He cried and tried to explain how he shuts it down and wishes he could teach me to do that.  Things were better between the two of us and I think we could both understand each side of the feelings.

When my oldest son came home I spoke to him about what occurred during the day and when we got home.  He knows that his brother is hiding his feelings but not sure if he is dealing with them.  He didn't care about the dog or the pictures around the home.  And as far as his father, he is with me because he is happier with me and the way I raised him since his father wasn't anything to him.  We all deal with this portion of our lives differently but at the same time we depend on each other for support and love.  I am a very lucky Mom to have the boys with me.

Dec 31, 2014

LETTING GO OF THE PAST IN ORDER TO MOVE AHEAD TO MY FUTURE

As I sit here on the last day of 2014, watching the movie "Fireproof", i find the need to ask GOD for forgiveness.  I recently went to court to finalize my divorce from my husband.  Merry Christmas!  

We physically separated July 2013.  We sold the house and the closing was to be sometime in July. I can't really remember when the decision was made by the two of us.  I do know that he "yelled" that he wanted a divorce and couldn't wait to get away from me on February 1st, 2013.  He did offer to stay with me if we moved down to the development that his mother lives in and I could even use the garage for my crafts. Of course I declined.  Since love had nothing to do with his offer and he was appalled at my answer that he responded with "so you would rather live as a destitute", told me I made the right decision to go my own way.

Since the separation I can count on one hand the amount of times we spoke to each other. And we haven't seen each other at all.  He moved on with his life by October 2013 with someone else so by March I was ready to start mediation for a divorce.  The process took some time mainly because he couldn't follow directions and was late for every deadline. He was surprised that I was in such a rush to start the divorce process but in order for me to establish a home for me and the boys I have to be divorced. So after six months it is done.

So I ask God to forgive me for divorcing my husband, for not finding another way to stay together, for being glad that a decision was made by him and agreed by me, but I had tried over 35 years to keep it together, only to be emotionally and verbally abused, been yelled at for saying things that his brain said, and watching him make his children not like him. I wish him the best with whoever he should end up with and hope they can deal with a narcissist better than me.

As for me and the boys, they see him when they need to but prefer to be with me where they get encouragement, support and positive words and actions. Their words, not mine.  They are so great and have grown so much in this last year.

Happy New Year 2015!
 

Nov 9, 2013

Two and a Half Years Later

I can;'s believe it has been so long since I wrote in my blog.  It not like my life is busy or anything - alright maybe it is - but it also that there has been a lot of changes.

Work/School
Nothing much has changed there except maybe more work.  But like everyone in the workforce we all have more work and less people/resources.  This school year the atmosphere is better than the previous two.  My principal is great to work for - even when I make mistakes - and he is so compassionate to people and their lives and circumstances.  He is personally going through some changes too and it's nice to see that he can still think of others.  My vice principle is another story.  She has to be the best young lady I have ever worked for.  We can vent to each, share concerns with each other and be open with each other.  My co-worker for so many years LD is a grandmother, OMG!, of a 9 month old little boy.  You can't go to work without making sure you see the latest pictures on her phone.  We have gone through a lot together between health issues and personal issues.  I love her dearly and pray she doesn't retire too soon. RP is a blast!  You can't go a day with a good story about RP and something that happen during the day. She has not been very happy this year and I hope she hangs in there but I do know that she needs to do what is best for her and her family. Either way, I can't do everyone's job if they should decided to leave at any time. They are needed if for nothing more than my sanity.

Hobbies
Well, I haven't done much with my papercrafts since just before my knee surgery. I am hoping to get started before Christmas so I can at least make some Christmas cards this year. Of course, it hasn't stopped me from buying materials - I just don't open the box right away.  Even with the digital downloads I haven't done much since my move.

Oh yes, my MOVE.
Life throws you a curve every now and then and you either go with the flow or you fight it.  In my case it was go with the flow if I wanted to live.  There are usually two sides to every person, the side the public sees and the side the home life sees. The public has seen me in a very different light than the home life.  In public I am viewed as strong in knowledge, will and determination. In private I am viewed as meek, fearful and scared.  Well on February 1st that started a major change in my life.  After years of verbal and emotional abuse I decided to follow my husband's wishes to split up.  It was something that I always wanted but was afraid to go for. But after an evening of non-stop action on his part it was either live or die. It has only been 4 months since my children and I moved out but what a difference in all of us. I have my up days and my down days which I am learning is normal. But I look at my two grown boys and see them more relaxed than they ever were when we were living as a family.  Even people at work have noticed how much better my one son and I are since the split. The last I saw of DW was in the beginning of August as we went over the financials to close the checking account.  I haven't heard from him since.  The boys saw him sometime in August to help him arrange his storage room but haven't seen him since then.  CR has not wish to see him.  I keep trying to create chances but he doesn't budge. BS on the other hand invited DW to his solo flight (landing and take off) but he didn't show.  I surprised BS with other people to be there and he was so excited. Of course it was also BS's birthday and there was no acknowledgement from his father for that either. Of course since DW wants BS to do something for him he will come up and see BS fly today on his second solo long distance flight (Wilkes Barre Pa, Lancaster, Pa to Readington, NJ).  I will be there for the landing.

The other activity that has kept me very busy is my genealogical research.  After taking a trip to Massachusetts and New Hampshire in April of 2012, I have been very busy doing research.  On that trip I found evidence that William Presbury who founded Bradford, New Hampshire was not a direct relative like the Smith family thinks. So began my search for the correct information.  I joined the New England Historical Genealogy Society and took a trip in October of the year to go to a 3 day conference which would include full use of the library and one-on-one meetings each day with one of the professional genealogists.  It was a very intense 3 days living at a library and trying to gather and read as much as possible.  Each day flew by once I arrive in Boston, Massachusetts, with my breakfast sandwich and ended with the train ride back to Southborough, Massachusetts finding dinner before heading to bed. I visited many cemeteries in the area of Marlborough looking for direct relatives and didn't find a single one. You know it's very disappointing when you can't find a dead person in the cemetery. The pro thinks maybe they were buried on the property and that is why I can;t find anyone.

Meanwhile the boys and I live in a nice townhouse that has a lot of things that don't work and as I try to get the landlord to fix I make a final decision that one year here is enough.  I need to buy my own place.  But I think before I do that DW and I need to come to up with separation terms so paperwork can be filed for the divorce.  I never thought I would ever be labeled as a divorcee but I know it if for the best for me and him.  He wanted to start his life over and find someone who is normal - even though I think I am the normal one - and have a good sex life with.  I wish him the best but he better not screw with our verbal agreements or I will have to resort to bringing up the abuse to me and the kids. So I will stay the lepper of the family and be proud of it.